Tuesday, February 21, 2006

A Public Service Announcement

Hello folks. Paul here with a couple of helpful hints for all people who have difficulty purchasing their Metro fares in the morning.

First of all, if you are at a bluish kiosk and the message blinks "Smartrip only," and you hold in your hand what is a thin, paperish substance - this is not a Smartrip. You will not be able to trade in your paper card, because, once again, this is not a smartrip. No amount of trying to jam the paper into the machine will convince the machine to change its mind and accept your paper card.

Similarly, if you have been standing in line immediately behind this person for several minutes witnessing said person fail to trade in their farecard, and you also do not possess a Smartrip card - guess what? You, too, will unable to perform a transaction at this machine. The machine will not take a sudden look at you and say, "I like this guy. I'll permit him to do a tradein." No, you see this is a machine, and it tends to have the same uniform rules until the overlords of Metro change its mechanics.

There are all sorts of guidelines about purchasing Smartrip cards on the web, but seeing as how you are still using paper cards you must therefore also probably only have a dial-up connection, I'll spare you the pain of trying to download instructions.

Finally, if you are standing at the next kiosk and it is flashing "No bills," this is not a sign that the machine does not favor the Buffalo football franchise. You see, a bill is another word for cash. I'm actually a little surprised you are standing at this particular machine since you never seem to have bills, or cash, when you are at the local CVS and you hold up the entire freaking line so that you can buy a Snickers Bar with your credit or debit card. Anyway, this particular machine, because it is evil and so is Metro, is not taking your cash at the present moment. No matter how many different slots you attempt to stick your money into, it will not take your damned money. You can try putting it into the little crevices at the bottom, but it still will not work.

Now, if you are without a Smartcard, and you only have cash, you are now - as we like to say here in DC - completely fucked. But that's life, go get a helmut.

Thank you. The preceding public service anouncement has been paid for by the New World Order.


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