Monday, April 25, 2005
MNR
I walk alone and I walk alone . . .
My shadow’s the only one who walks besides me
Well somebody told me that you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
'Til then I walk alone
I may have my lyrics messed up, but since it seems that Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and the Killers’ “Somebody Told Me” are the only two songs being played on the radio at the current moment, I may have blended them together. You know, I used to like both of those songs, but then I started listening to the radio more and more, and now I would like to kill everyone associated with the overplay of these tunes. Can’t radio programmers find something else to play? Are they so uncreative that they have to play the same fucking songs over and over and over again until you are quite ready to visit a book depository and open fire on ANYONE because these freaking songs have completely infested your brain and . . . and . . .
I’ve said too much.
But I haven’t said enough.
Actually, I was hoping to butt my way into a game that’s been going around the internet over the past week or so. Basically you list five things that most people in your circle of friends or peer group like that you absolutely hate. And so, without further ado.
1)Jon Meyer, Dave Grey, and all those other Dave Mathews-esque college-bands. If I have to listen to one more raspy-voiced, incoherent, boring as sin motherfucker with a guitar moaning on about I don’t even know what, well, see above paragraph. I guess there is something to be said about radio stations repeating the same few songs because when they do go off format they play this wimpy shit. I need guitars and drums and music with pep. I can take the occasional slow song, but these guys are the instant cure for insomnia, and should just stop playing right now.
2)Independent movies. It’s basically the same phenomenon as number one. Basically, the hip thing is to be out of the mainstream, and thus we wind up with the conformity of non-conformism that is indy movie worship. In the history of cinema I could probably list my favorite 30 movies without listing one indy movie (Does "The Usual Suspects" count?). Now, don’t give me some Miramax pic as an example of an independent movie, I’m talking about those movies with like a 20 dollar budget, usually shot with some home camera, that everyone orgasms over because, well, they’re not produced by a major motion picture company, and ergo the creative independence must obviously lead to some cinematic tour-de-force or some other washed up cliché. More often than not these movies are at best mediocre, and often times just plain awful. I can think of no finer example to exemplify how shitty indy movies are than the over-hyped “Blair Witch Project.” Just an awful snoozefest that suckered millions (such as yours truly) into watching because of a clever ad campaign, but unfortunately the movie was a run-of-the mill art house project that sucked monkey balls and was utterly forgetful. While it’s true that the big movie makers frequently indulge in big budget, brain-dead action pics or romantic comedies that are insulting to the movie-goers’ intelligence, they are also able to pump money into a director’s project in such a way that they can more fully explore their vision. Indy movies are thus often dull, if sometimes clever. But the hype for most of them is undeserving.
3) SUV’s. Why the fuck does anyone below the age of 30, or who does not have multiple children, need a giant vehicle that is slightly smaller than a tank? It’s not for the lefty bs environmental concerns that I hate these enormous machines, but because:
a) They’re ugly.
b) They take up too much space. It is thus more difficult to find parking spaces and it takes longer to go through a traffic light.
c) Half the people who own them don’t know how to drive them. Nothing puts a panicked lump in my throat more than the sight of a college-aged female driving one while simultaneously talking on a cell phone. Many rosaries are silently said upon such sightings.
And the thing is they keep getting bigger. How much steel does this country go through in order to manufacture these things? And what is up with these schmucks who drive Hummers? For what earthly reason does one need to drive a Hummer, especially in the middle of the city? Are these people expecting an invasion? If so, put them in the front lines because those things can assuredly destroy anything in their path, but until then, PUT THEM THE FUCK AWAY.
Of course my conservative friends will surely tell me, “but it’s our right to buy such vehicles,” to which I reply, “Yes. Of course it is. If people want to waste gallons of money on these gas-guzzlers, so be it. But just because you have a right to do something doesn’t mean that you’re not a fuckhead for making such a choice.”
4) Ann Coulter. No, I’m not talking about her as a writer, but it seems there’s this bizarre notion out there that she’s hot. Umm, no. Actually, this pretty much applies to any generic blond-haired woman who has the appearance of not having eaten solid food in some time. I didn’t play with Barbie growing up, and I have no inclination of spending the rest of my life with a real-life version. Well, at least the plastic one has boobs.
5) The NFL draft. It’s bad enough to listen to Mel Kiper every now and then, but for the month leading up to the draft I am exposed to his hyper-ventilation over some obscure aspect of the draft seemingly every minute of the day. The guy may be great at his job, but he seriously needs some decaffeinated beverages, STAT! But Kiper is just the tip of the iceberg of what is the most ridiculously over-hyped event on the sports calendar. Yes, it’s nice to see where your team might be headed in the future, and we can all look forward to our teams plugging a whole with some new blood. But do we really need to spend hours of our life dissecting every single player eligible, wondering where they’ll wind up, what time they ran the 40, or what color their poop is? And how insane is it to sit in front of a television for six hours to watch the bloody event? For fuck’s sake I’ve got enough things on my plate, do I need to spend an entire afternoon waiting for Paul Tagliabue to appear on my television screen?
Now I leave it to the rest of the Political Spectrum crew to come up with their lists.
My shadow’s the only one who walks besides me
Well somebody told me that you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
That I had in February of last year
It's not confidential
I've got potential
'Til then I walk alone
I may have my lyrics messed up, but since it seems that Green Day’s “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” and the Killers’ “Somebody Told Me” are the only two songs being played on the radio at the current moment, I may have blended them together. You know, I used to like both of those songs, but then I started listening to the radio more and more, and now I would like to kill everyone associated with the overplay of these tunes. Can’t radio programmers find something else to play? Are they so uncreative that they have to play the same fucking songs over and over and over again until you are quite ready to visit a book depository and open fire on ANYONE because these freaking songs have completely infested your brain and . . . and . . .
I’ve said too much.
But I haven’t said enough.
Actually, I was hoping to butt my way into a game that’s been going around the internet over the past week or so. Basically you list five things that most people in your circle of friends or peer group like that you absolutely hate. And so, without further ado.
1)Jon Meyer, Dave Grey, and all those other Dave Mathews-esque college-bands. If I have to listen to one more raspy-voiced, incoherent, boring as sin motherfucker with a guitar moaning on about I don’t even know what, well, see above paragraph. I guess there is something to be said about radio stations repeating the same few songs because when they do go off format they play this wimpy shit. I need guitars and drums and music with pep. I can take the occasional slow song, but these guys are the instant cure for insomnia, and should just stop playing right now.
2)Independent movies. It’s basically the same phenomenon as number one. Basically, the hip thing is to be out of the mainstream, and thus we wind up with the conformity of non-conformism that is indy movie worship. In the history of cinema I could probably list my favorite 30 movies without listing one indy movie (Does "The Usual Suspects" count?). Now, don’t give me some Miramax pic as an example of an independent movie, I’m talking about those movies with like a 20 dollar budget, usually shot with some home camera, that everyone orgasms over because, well, they’re not produced by a major motion picture company, and ergo the creative independence must obviously lead to some cinematic tour-de-force or some other washed up cliché. More often than not these movies are at best mediocre, and often times just plain awful. I can think of no finer example to exemplify how shitty indy movies are than the over-hyped “Blair Witch Project.” Just an awful snoozefest that suckered millions (such as yours truly) into watching because of a clever ad campaign, but unfortunately the movie was a run-of-the mill art house project that sucked monkey balls and was utterly forgetful. While it’s true that the big movie makers frequently indulge in big budget, brain-dead action pics or romantic comedies that are insulting to the movie-goers’ intelligence, they are also able to pump money into a director’s project in such a way that they can more fully explore their vision. Indy movies are thus often dull, if sometimes clever. But the hype for most of them is undeserving.
3) SUV’s. Why the fuck does anyone below the age of 30, or who does not have multiple children, need a giant vehicle that is slightly smaller than a tank? It’s not for the lefty bs environmental concerns that I hate these enormous machines, but because:
a) They’re ugly.
b) They take up too much space. It is thus more difficult to find parking spaces and it takes longer to go through a traffic light.
c) Half the people who own them don’t know how to drive them. Nothing puts a panicked lump in my throat more than the sight of a college-aged female driving one while simultaneously talking on a cell phone. Many rosaries are silently said upon such sightings.
And the thing is they keep getting bigger. How much steel does this country go through in order to manufacture these things? And what is up with these schmucks who drive Hummers? For what earthly reason does one need to drive a Hummer, especially in the middle of the city? Are these people expecting an invasion? If so, put them in the front lines because those things can assuredly destroy anything in their path, but until then, PUT THEM THE FUCK AWAY.
Of course my conservative friends will surely tell me, “but it’s our right to buy such vehicles,” to which I reply, “Yes. Of course it is. If people want to waste gallons of money on these gas-guzzlers, so be it. But just because you have a right to do something doesn’t mean that you’re not a fuckhead for making such a choice.”
4) Ann Coulter. No, I’m not talking about her as a writer, but it seems there’s this bizarre notion out there that she’s hot. Umm, no. Actually, this pretty much applies to any generic blond-haired woman who has the appearance of not having eaten solid food in some time. I didn’t play with Barbie growing up, and I have no inclination of spending the rest of my life with a real-life version. Well, at least the plastic one has boobs.
5) The NFL draft. It’s bad enough to listen to Mel Kiper every now and then, but for the month leading up to the draft I am exposed to his hyper-ventilation over some obscure aspect of the draft seemingly every minute of the day. The guy may be great at his job, but he seriously needs some decaffeinated beverages, STAT! But Kiper is just the tip of the iceberg of what is the most ridiculously over-hyped event on the sports calendar. Yes, it’s nice to see where your team might be headed in the future, and we can all look forward to our teams plugging a whole with some new blood. But do we really need to spend hours of our life dissecting every single player eligible, wondering where they’ll wind up, what time they ran the 40, or what color their poop is? And how insane is it to sit in front of a television for six hours to watch the bloody event? For fuck’s sake I’ve got enough things on my plate, do I need to spend an entire afternoon waiting for Paul Tagliabue to appear on my television screen?
Now I leave it to the rest of the Political Spectrum crew to come up with their lists.
# posted by Paul Zummo : 7:42 PM
