The Political Spectrum

One pill makes you larger
and one pill makes you small
but the ones that mother gives you
don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
when she's ten feet tall

The other day I had the distinct privilege of going to the National Archives. Ahhh, so many cool documents, dilegently restored and kept clean by the wonderful men and women, but mostly women, who work there. (Remember kids, bookbinding is fun.)

And behold I entered the divine sanctuary which kept the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, the Bill of Rights, and Al Gore's Earth in the Balance. The huey green light nearly blinded me, but there they were, the sacred documents of our Nation's history. Walking up to the Consitution my body trembled, my mind pulsated with the incredible excitement of being in the presence of the one true document. Or maybe it was the lack of sleep. Whatever, the point is it was really cool.

But what was cooler was having the secret revaled to me. Though conservative since birth, and therefore not permitted to see the truth behind these documents, some divine manifestation allowed me to read what until now only the high priests of the Supreme Court had been able to see. That's right. The secret scribblings of the Constitution, written in disappearing ink, hidden to all but the mighty men in black, were revealed.

And behold I saw all sorts of penumbras and emanatations. The undisputed right to abortion on demand was suddenly visible to me. There it was, Article 7, section 3, right between the right to gay marriage and the incorporation doctrine. Finally, full enlightenment was endowed to me, pitiful conservative that I am.

And lo Harry Reid's words were revealed to be true. Indeed, whatever doubts I had about the scrappy little man from whatever the hell small town in Nevada the guy is from were erased. As Ramesh Ponnoru relates:

Harry Reid today said that the people President Bush just renominated for judgeships “have already been turned down in the Senate.” He also said that there has “always been a 60-vote [threshold] for judges”: “Go back decades and it’s always been that way.”

Nay, Harry, nay. Not decades, but centuries. For written in the secret pen oh those many years ago was the mystery clause of the Constitution. For over two centuries dimwitted fools mistakenly believed that the Constitution merely required a majority vote to confirm the President's nominees to the Courts. FOOLS! No, clearly written in the secret pen are the words "there shall really be a 60-vote threshold for judges."

You see, Senator Reid must have the same divine guidance that I felt that day. He, too, understands that the Constitution really requires a 3/5 vote for confirmation. After all, it's there in black and white. Well, really blue and gold - that's the color of the magic ink that the rest of you can't see.

And to think we made fun of this holy man last week for crying like a little girl when the Republican party sent out letters daring to criticize this true genius' judgement. Surely we were wrong in our censure of the man who has . . . the gift. We must all certainly apologize for thinking that Senator Reid's whiny little outburst from last week where he revealed himself to be a thin-skinned weakling unworthy of setting foot in the Capitol let alone holding a high seat of power because only a little girly man would have the unmitigated gaul to whine about unfair haracterizations when after all the party that he represents specializes in unfair characterizations if not outright slander against anyone who dares hold an opinion contrary to their unspoiled opinions, opinions for which no right-thinking person could ever criticize after all they've got all the wise and talented academics who know more than the rest of us dumb Americans and if they social security is not in crisis well then it must not be in crisis because after all they said so, it's not like a simple Lexis-Nexis search would quickly reveal that most of these bozos were saying the opposite thing like five years ago because that would imply they're all hypocrites.

And how can I accuse the party which just selected Howard Dean as its chairman of hypocrisy, when after all who better represents the party of Jackson's maddening descent into more madness. I could go on and on about how Howard Dean is about as qualified to lead a major political party as Michael Jackson is to be a kindergarten teacher, but that would be a cheap shot unfair to Michael Jackson. After all, he does have experience with children. And, no, I won't point out the bitter irony of a bunch of people who have spent the better part of five years deriding President Bush as a complete moron now holding up as their great icon of hope a man whose default facial expression is "deer caught in the headlights." Oh come on, it would be a cheap shot to note that every time that the man is asked a question more complex than what's your favorite type of syrup he freezes up and answers in a hesitating voice, because after all the man was what, the governor of fucking Vermont, and he like raised a lot of money in order to finish in third freaking place in the IOWA caucus. Oh yeah, he be the Messiah. I'm sure that seminar, "How to blow 52 million dollars in one month in order to lose to a horse-faced Senator from Massachusetts and some slick-talking lawyer boy from North no South no North Carolina who wouldn't know a filibuster from a Dave N' Buster in some podunk caucus in the middle of the country" has been a big hit at all the DNC events.

But when you have as much talent as the Democrats, who wouldn't be excited? You've got a Senator who has a secret insight into the Constitution leading them in the Senate, and a dingbat from Vermont leading the national party. And who can forget their weighty House leader, the woman who awed the world only a couple of weeks ago with her dramatic State of the Union response. Schoolhouses across the Middle East have posted her words in every classroom, as they have inspired millions of little would-be democrats of the true value of boredom.


Let the good times roll, baby.

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green
Towering over your head
look for the girl with the sun in her eyes
and she's gone
Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh