Monday, February 14, 2005
Dave's lost that loving feeling
Dave over at Garfield Ridge has tender wishes for those dating this happy Valentine's day.
Happy Hallmark card holiday, everyone.
If you are not married, and you are instead dating someone on this Valentine's Day, I wish you one thing:While I can't say I wholeheartedly endorse Dave's sentiments, I do understand where he's coming from.
Ass cancer.
Yes, you heard me right: ass cancer. Festering, lumpy, hot-to-the-touch, tumor-ridden ass cancer.
If you're a man who's taking his sweetheart out for dinner this evening, I want you to get food poisoning and vomit up your gall bladder.
If you're a woman looking forward to flowers, I hope your ovaries calcify.
If you're a man shopping for the perfect piece of jewelry, may your credit rating be ruined by Nigerian identity theives.
If you're a woman salivating at the thought of Valentine's chocolates, you should know that chocolate is made out of puppies, you disgusting puppy-eater.
If you're a man splashing on a touch of cologne, I hope it splashes in your eyes, sulfurizing your corneas into a dripping mess of goo.
If you're a woman laying out here delicate underthings for an after-dark adventure, I hope you get an oily case of the Clap.
If you're a man dressing up for a night out on the town, I hope your testicles get shredded in your zipper.
But again, if you're married today: congratulations, you've found true love.
If you're a pair of dating lovebirds, however, I wish you an unending nightmare of bloody rectal ulcerations from seat worms.
Nothing personal.
Happy Hallmark card holiday, everyone.
# posted by Paul Zummo : 1:25 PM
