Monday, January 24, 2005


Otter: So, buy me dinner tonight?
Kate: Can't. Busy.
Otter (disbelieving): Busy?

The snow has fallen to the ground this fine winter's night, but amazingly the city of Washington remains standing. Despite the gloomiest predictions of its citizens, the Washington Monument did not tumble to the ground, nor did massive fires break out across the city, nor did God's final fury visit the Earth. Yes, it snowed in Washington, DC, and yet here we are, still alive. Those massive quantities of bottled water and toilet paper can be saved for another day.

Perhaps U2 heard about the snowfall and that is why they decided not to visit this fair city. That's right, the first leg of their world tour has been announced, and somehow DC didn't make it to the list. And yet Continental Airlines Arena in Meadowlands gets two shows. That's right, the fucking shithole in the middle of Jersey (sorry, that's a bit of a redunancy, ain't it) gets TWO shows, and the capital of the most powerful Nation on this planet gets none? Does Bono have some desire to acquire cancer that has not been made public yet? Well, to hell with those buggers, see if I care. See if I drive 100 miles to Philadelphia to see them anyway, spending roughly 75 bucks for the ticket. And then when they do tour in DC in the Fall let them try to make me go see them. Twice. Or three times. Then come up to New York. Maybe fly to LA. Boston? No, I shall not waste hundreds of dollars of my income to go see them. Unless they promise to play "Bad," then you couldn't pry me away with a stick.

But I digress. Digress from what? I guess you sort of have to have (have to have, hey, ain't that some sort of palendrome thingy or sumepin?) a point in the first place from which to digress. But that's okay. I'll get to it in a second.

Okay, look, I got nothing. I just wrote like ten million words for my ten billionth post on conservative ideology. Cut me some slack people. You push and you push, and LOOK AT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO.

Okay, the channeling of Kathy Bates has ceased. For the moment.

Actually I did want to take this moment to talk about something serious. Listen, I love the people who march for life. Well, in more of that platonic sense of love of people who have never even met, but you love them from a distance, sort of the way you love your favorite baseball team, though maybe in a more consistent manner because you would probably never throw your beer bottle at the television screen because of the actions of these loved ones.

But I love them. Many traveled a great distance just to be here today to stand there in the freezing cold. Meanwhile I live in DC and I couldn't get my fat ass over there. So for that these wonderful people have earned my eternal praise.

But dudes, some of you have to seriously reconsider some of your signs. Saw this one guy who had an inflatable Jesus. I am not even sure what the sign Jesus was holding said, but it was just enough for me to cringe as I realized that, hey, this individual was on my side. A few moments later I saw a sign that read "If Mary had a choice, then we'd have no Christmas." Sometimes you just want to stop, politely take the person aside, and then beat the living snot out of them. Yo, Mary DID have a choice. Remember that whole angel Gabriel thing? Bad example. And what a dumb sign anway. Then we'd have no Christmas? Oy vey, how many ways is that just so ever-lovingly stupid.

But sometimes I am just afraid of Americans. I'm afraid I can't help it. I don't even just pretend. I'm not afraid of these Americans. I am afraid of "peace" protesters who riot, punch counter-protesters, and throw rotten eggs and vegatebles at others. But such stupidity can be forgiven. After all, they do more for our side than they do for their own. And for that I want to thank them.
Sort of like how lefties must thank the people with the inflatable Jesus.

That's all I've got for this week. So with that, I leave you with these words of wisdom.

My loneliness is killing me
I must confess, I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Show me a sign
Hit me baby one more time


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