Tuesday, January 18, 2005


There's something about the Capitol Hill scene that's a little frightening. The other night my friend and I attended a few of the Hill hotspots. It's amazing how each locale has its own unique culture. Bullfeathers is home to the older Hill staffers, Tortilla Coast has a heavier share of the intern groupies, and then there's Cap Lounge, where you'll see a greater share of younger Hill staffers. And yet there are even subcultures within each location. Cap Lounge and Hawk 'N Dove are multi-tiered, including a nightclub on the top level of the Hawk.

Anyway, as a non-Hiller, there's something Gorillas in the Midst-like about attending these bars. You get to observe these young preppies as they unwind from a week in Washington, getting loaded, getting friendly, maybe even jumping onto the laps of complete strangers. And then you think to youself, "Self, these people shape the laws of this country." And that's when you get scared. You know when I think of Old Abe, I really don't think of him with a twenty-something co-ed rubbing herself all over him. Of course, according to a certain book . . .

Stopping right there. But the point is that it is slightly bothersome that people who are one minute clinking their double-fisting beer bottles together are the next putting together legislative proposals that drastically could alter the shape of my life. And then I look down at the corner of my desk right now, and I realize I should shut the hell up about this thread.

Rambling on, I was listening to a radio show here in DC earlier tonight. The topic was the usual boring drivel about the war. "Blah blah quagmire blah blah Vietnam, whatever." Then the host took a call from some dude who predicted that the war was unwinnable. The host asked the caller if he was a Republican or a Democrat. Then the caller gave the standard line. "Neither. I vote on the issues."

Well blow me down. We got ourselves a real major league intellect, ma. Me Paul dumb illiterate ideological stooge who vote for favorite team. Me no understand voting for issues. This person surely smarter than I.

How is that so many people who call themselves "independent" give the same standard tripe answer over and over and over and over again. One pictures these self-righteous little numbnuts on the telephone, the mute button on their C-SPAN, calling into the radio show. "Well, you see Charlie, I don't let myself be weighed down by, (and then the actually put their index and middle fingers into the position of scare quotes,) "LABELS." And then the applause in their own head explodes in a massive explosion as they spout out the same freaking answer that about 1,734,334 people have given previously.

Well "label" me unimpressed. So you have independently arrived at the conclusion that George Bush is a tool of the House of Saud. Rrrrright. And I "independently" (hey, two can play at this game) have arrived at the conclusion that you're a major league tool.

Listen, I don't want to take anything away from legitimate independents. There are people who have given great weight to all of the major issues and have concluded that both major parties leave a great deal to desire. Heck, as an earnest partisan I feel that way oftentimes. But by my own - admittedly unofficial - count, approximately 70% of all independents fall into two categories: 1)Idiots whose main source of information is the local newscast, and 2)frauds who get off on the idea they are some kind of noble stateman by declaring their independence from the political system. Sure, they vote for the same party in ever solitary election, but you see they only vote on the issues, and both parties are so extreme in their stances, but they are concerned about the Bush administration's religious zealotry, and then this war is such a quagmire why did we have to invade Iraq WMD Christian extremist Vietnam ZZZZzzzzzzzz.

And yet it is they, these super-enlightened among us, who decide elections. Oh sure, those reading this blog may actually know who the governor of their state is, but ultimately it will be the guy who has watched a three hour bloc of "Wife Swap" who will decide the future of this country. And ain't that what democracy is all about?

Actually, it's not the idiot independent who annoys me so much as the know-it-all I only vote on the issues brand. So let me get this straight. We poor ideologues don't vote on the issues? So what the heck have I been so concerned with all my life? Did I become a conservative because I liked the tee-shirts and thus wanted to root for that brand for the rest of my life? Or did it maybe, just maybe, result from a sincere belief that conservative policies appealed to me?

What drives me batty about these smarmy folk is their belief that their superior intellgience has guided them to light and truth. The very term "independent" is supposed to signify that they are not guided by any uncouth ideological force. Oh no. They have arrived at political nirvana independent of any outside force, and they hold the keys to unique enlightenment. Ignore the fact that they sound like every other so-called "independent," they are the warriors of truth, justice, and the American way.

Well, for once I believe I speak for both right and left when I say that can kiss my

As a Jet fan, let me just just say, "Doug Brien, go to

Heck, you know it's been a long week. Always nice to have a three-day weekend. But now it's time to go. And I leave you with these words of wisdom.
And that's about the time she walked away from me
Nobody likes you when you're 23
And you're still amused by TV shows
What's my age again?
What's my age again?


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